Betty ford says i'm here all night
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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