The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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