This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
