So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
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Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
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You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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