just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
