Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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