have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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