you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup