Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care