Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
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Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
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I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!