Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.