the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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