no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
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Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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