These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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