if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
