If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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