You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
