the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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