I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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