i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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