Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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