You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
