He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The beer is more important than you right now.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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