i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
