I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
