mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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