Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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