I should be sponsored by Trojan
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I didn't notice because vodka
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
