there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
