you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
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Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize