I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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