i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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