a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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