Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
