i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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