It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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