I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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