walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
