Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
