sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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