i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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