So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
