So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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