what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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