I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
