just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
