there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
