I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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