I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
