So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
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