I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
