he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You may now shotgun with the bride
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
