Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
