dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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