we have pet lesbian snakes
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch