life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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