The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
