i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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