So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
