i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize